“This should be my belly right now. I know five babies was not in our “plan” but now that #5 is no longer here, the pain of the loss runs deep. I never knew how much miscarriage can mess with your hormones, your mind, your heart. I should be prepping tiny diapers and finishing last minute quilts and blankies right now. Instead, I’m packing up the last of Baby #4’s diapers knowing there will never be another little baby here again. If anything, this experience has given me way more empathy to others going through the same thing. “It’s probably for the best.” And “be thankful for the kids you have” are not comforting … The grief is real, whether the baby was planned or not. The hormone fluctuation is real, and can make you feel off the wall. I know it is not my fault but the guilt of having four healthy, easy pregnancies and then a loss, is real. What went wrong with this one? I compare my loss to others, and think, “Ok, you need to suck it up – other people have been through WAY worse.” “At least it wasn’t _____” But, I need to allow myself sadness, time to grieve. My loss was real. It may be different, but it is still real.

I was ok for awhile here, but now that the EDD is looming, the pain is all so fresh again. Thankful that my hormones are no longer a rollercoaster. Thankful for the few friends that “get it”. Thankful for Luc’s sweet snuggles and thankful for jiu jitsu for keeping me sane. I don’t normally post like this but normalizing miscarriage might help someone else reach out. It can be an isolating journey, when no one else feels the pain but you. ????????#babyJett #baby5

PAXmommy Mel lost her Baby #5 this past winter, and today would have been her EDD.

If you are ever feeling alone on this journey, please know that we are here for you. Email us, post on this wall, or comment below that you need a friend. You are not alone, PAXfriends. <3


*happy babywearing*


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