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We took a very special family picture on Friday to commemorate our Baby Blaise’s EDD 2016 <3#nothingbutlove
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*happy babywearing*
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The post A due date…. appeared first on PAXbaby.

***Please take caution when reading this heartfelt post; you may be triggered if you have been affected by pregnancy loss.
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Now that you have tried to make a baby, there’s the endless two week wait while you wrestle with the inner turmoil and emotional personal disputes not limited to “was now the right time?” “should we have waited?” “am I ready?” “are WE ready?” “what will I do if we are pregnant?” “what will I do if we’re NOT pregnant.” For me, having lost our eighth baby in May but knowing for 21 days before I started bleeding that the early birth was imminent, my current wait for my period to start is causing PTSD style flashbacks. A few months ago I was hanging onto each moment with my baby and trying not to lose my mind in grief. Here I am today, hoping for the best, but expecting nothing, and reliving each day of my loss while I carefully check my toilet paper (ok, you got me! family cloth!) for a trace of blood or ANY clue as to why I am now 2 days late without a positive on my pregnancy tests. Speaking of which, I ordered a stack of 100 cheapies from Amazon when we decided that September would be our first TRY month! I love the cheap sticks because I can pee away without worrying about the money; I limited myself to 1 a day but quickly progressed to 2. Given the fact that I am crying at the latest episode of This Is Us, craving eggs (I’m a VEGAN!), and I suddenly think that coffee tastes gross, I want to believe that I am pregnant and my HCG levels just aren’t caught up yet. But on the other hand, I have become a public crier since losing my Blaise in May, my friend Guin has been hooking us up with amazing happy eggs from her backyard chickens, and at PAXretreat I was treated to amazing cappuccino every day so ordinary coffee is kind of gross in comparison. So maybe these aren’t symptoms as much as they are just part of being me.

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The thoughts that go through my mind every time I step into the bathroom to pee on ANOTHER stick are :
You just bribed your other kids to stay downstairs with some gluten free cookies and a science based show on Netflix so that you could go in the bathroom and cry. This is a new low.

You can’t even go to the bathroom without at least one child sitting in your lap. How will you fit your belly in here too??

If you pee on your hand one more time while aiming for the pee stick….

And my personal favorite, your baby is finally sleeping through the night and 100% potty trained except the occasional accident. WHY ON EARTH would you want to start all over?

But the thoughts that go through my mind each time I pee on another stick and see that negative sticking its tongue out at me are :
You have peed on 10 sticks in the last 3 days; just wait and see.

You are the most impatient person I know.

You need to drink more water; your pee isn’t clear!

You need to calm down, and focus on the 7 little blessings waiting for you downstairs, covered with cookie crumbs and filled with new Science facts to share with you.

You need to accept with grace whatever happens this month.

Next month is another cycle, another chance for the baby that YOU KNOW you are meant to hold in your arms.

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But let me tell you, the wait is so stressful, and the associations I can give every odd event make my emotions swing wildly within minutes. I took 2 naps yesterday; I MUST be pregnant! I don’t feel like eating; I MUST NOT be pregnant! My breasts hurt; I MUST be pregnant! I have high highs and low lows like PMS; I MUST NOT be pregnant! My belly is sticking out even though I’m not eating much and exercising daily; I MUST be pregnant!

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Now add to this emotional rollercoaster the guilt that I feel for closing the story of my 8th baby, and wanting to try again for #9. Did I give her tiny life enough respect. Have I taught the kids well that though they never got to meet their baby sister, she counts as one of their siblings. Was I a good enough mom to my Blaise during our 15 weeks together.  Am I ready to share my love with someone new.  Am I ready to be pregnant again, count the weeks again, and hold my breath until we pass that 15 week mark when I gave birth last. Will my body be ready in 36ish weeks to be healthy, and my mind to be whole and focused and not remembering the pain and suffering that a year beforehand brought me to my hardest birth. Can I give a new baby the grace to not replace my Blaise, but to be another love of my life, not detracting from my previous experience, but adding a new bud to the beautiful bouquet of lives, deaths, and memories that I hold in my heart.
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Am I strong enough? Am I mom enough? Time will tell.
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The post Waiting appeared first on PAXbaby.

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“This should be my belly right now. I know five babies was not in our “plan” but now that #5 is no longer here, the pain of the loss runs deep. I never knew how much miscarriage can mess with your hormones, your mind, your heart. I should be prepping tiny diapers and finishing last minute quilts and blankies right now. Instead, I’m packing up the last of Baby #4’s diapers knowing there will never be another little baby here again. If anything, this experience has given me way more empathy to others going through the same thing. “It’s probably for the best.” And “be thankful for the kids you have” are not comforting … The grief is real, whether the baby was planned or not. The hormone fluctuation is real, and can make you feel off the wall. I know it is not my fault but the guilt of having four healthy, easy pregnancies and then a loss, is real. What went wrong with this one? I compare my loss to others, and think, “Ok, you need to suck it up – other people have been through WAY worse.” “At least it wasn’t _____” But, I need to allow myself sadness, time to grieve. My loss was real. It may be different, but it is still real.

The post PAXmommy Mel’s loss appeared first on PAXbaby.

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I’m feeling especially grateful tonight for friends near and far who’ve held my hand, rubbed my back, and taught me how to put one foot in front of the other again!
It’s been 3 months since I was pregnant last, and not a day goes by without thinking of my Blaise but knowing that you all are thinking of my baby too makes me feel better.
Thank you <3

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*happy babywearing*

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When I was miscarrying our eighth baby, breastfeeding helped my body & hormones regulate. By this point in my pregnancy, my milk was drying up quickly, but #toddlercate was happy to nurse and help her mama feel better!
#oxytocin #happybreastfeedingweek2016

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The post Hormones & Breastfeeding appeared first on PAXbaby.

Certainly not based on the size of a placenta, but in my case, it’s all I have left of my baby. 15 weeks in my belly, 8 weeks in heaven; my heart will never be whole again but I wouldn’t give back this time for the world.

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#paxbaby #paxmama #paxmommy #pregnancyloss #pregnancy #placentaprint #imissmybaby #bb8 #justonemorebabyd #happybutsad

The post A tiny placenta print appeared first on PAXbaby.

To those who envisioned their life differently. In a different location perhaps. In a different state of mind. In a different physical body.

To all those who were wishing and hoping but your wishes and hopes didn’t come true or fell through or were forgotten while tending to others’ needs and wants.

To all those have been counting on being, having, feeling, doing something different in some way, in any way.

Standing over here, looking into your every day, I can’t see the full picture; I can’t explain why or what or how or when.

Standing over here, looking into your every day, I only see my own reflection, mirrored in the quiet sorrow in your eyes as you play sweetly with your children. My own reflection caught as still as a photograph, doing a mundane task, tears streaming down your face as you take a moment to grieve alone. My own reflection, a twin to your own emptiness, a twin to your own void, a twin to your own infinite pit of abject sorrow and intense anger. What have you lost? A lost world, a lost soul, a lost life, a lost year, a lost month, week, day, hour, minute…. LOST.

Today I sit poolside, sipping my lemon water, listening to the palm trees sway in the wind and in this quiet moment by myself I am allowed to imagine how this day would have should have could have been. A round belly protruding over my bikini bottom instead of post partum love handles. A blissful list of baby names rotating through my head.  A proud expression on my face as someone asks me how many children I have. “8!” I could have said while rubbing my tummy happily.  What a lovely moment spent thinking about my would have should have could have, and then… my children are here and fill the space with shouting, laughing, crying, splashing, eating, jumping, swimming, being, and my thoughts are turned again to focus on the here and now. The reality in front of me. Tangible, incredible, magical, these small beings who fill my every minute with themselves. How well they keep my mind occupied to have these thoughts often, and and how well they keep me too busy to stand and look into your every day, but believe me, I feel your sadness and recognize your hurt. Your life, like mine, will continue. Your world, like mine, will slowly begin to spin again. You will wonder how it is that you’re back in the swing of things, back in the saddle, and back on the road; you will wonder how it is that your life has been so changed and yet, that’s okay. It’s just DIFFERENT.

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*happy babywearing*

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The post Different appeared first on PAXbaby.

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*graphic birth story*
Yesterday morning I finished Blaise’s pregnancy with the intense birth of my placenta.

What I endured last Saturday in San Diego was the birthing of our baby’s sac and cord. It was deflated and withered just like the ultrasound had shown, but I had assumed that the large blood clots and small bits of tissue that came out that day as well was all the placenta we would be able to see since development stopped so many weeks earlier. May 21 will be considered to be Blaise’s birthday since her sac was born the day of May’s Blue Moon.

After the PAXplaydate on May 25, I came home in a lot of pain but chalked it up to having had too much activity. Within a few hours I realized that this pain was not just cramping but very real, very intense birthing contractions about 4 minutes apart and spiking with gushes of blood. I let the PAXmoms know I wouldn’t be able to continue working that night, and Aaron helped me out of my bed into the bathroom because I was losing so much blood. For the next 4 hours I labored; this was one of my most challenging births physically, and definitely my hardest mentally, not knowing what exactly to expect and then also understanding that at the end of all the pain, I would not have a precious baby to hold and “make it all better!” Aaron called our midwife and doula at around 2 in the morning, but we ended up having an unassisted home birth of the placenta at 2:30. It seemed as though the placenta continued to grow even when our baby hadn’t been, so it was quite sizable at 14 weeks 6 days old. Our midwife was very concerned about the amount of blood I had lost and afterwards when I was dizzy and feeling nauseous, we decided that “bedrest” through the weekend would be best. Replenishing my body with iron rich foods would help build back up my platelets, so here I am back in bed, processing my full birth experience and grieving the baby that will never be here in my arms.

A wonderful local friend is photographing our placenta and making a print to frame, then it will be buried alongside Blaise’s sac and cord under our beautiful magnolia tree. Over the last few weeks, you have all shown us so much love and support; I appreciate it more than you know. It has been extremely healing for me to be able to share Blaise’s short but powerful life with you, and hearing your lost babies’ stories has helped too! Thank you, friends; much love to each of you as I recover from being ?#?pregnantnotpregnant? <3

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Our sweet family buried a tiny placenta this afternoon; Baby Blaise will be remembered by this beautiful Magnolia tree and the prayers said this afternoon by each of her family members. We have loved and will continue to love our 8th baby forever and ever and are so grateful that she has known nothing but love heart emoticon
#JustOneMoreBabyD aka BB8

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*happy babywearing*

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The post Loss. appeared first on PAXbaby.

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The first star on the right twinkled especially bright tonight, didn’t it?!? Baby Blaise’s *birthday* was today, May 21, on a full moon at 14 weeks and 2 days <3 Birthed to the sound of her siblings playing and her parents laughing with friends, it was as perfect as it could have been <3
Nothing but love for this little one <3#JustOneMoreBabyD aka BB8

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The post A different sort of birth… appeared first on PAXbaby.

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Our PAXfamily pictures this week are a beautiful tribute to the loss of our beloved eighth baby,#JustOneMoreBabyD, aka BB8 <3
Named for Saint Blaise who is usually depicted holding two long candles, our baby will be held in our hearts forever <3

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Your strength and love has held the PAXfamily with amazing support. We all appreciate your prayers and thoughts especially in the coming week when we expect some finalization to our journey of loss. We love our sweet angel baby, and find peace knowing that BB8 has touched so many in such a short time.
Happy Mother’s Day to ALL of the mothers/grandmothers/aunties, past, present, and future.

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The post Mother’s Day of a new sort… appeared first on PAXbaby.

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From PAXmommy Jillian:
“To my friends… you are amazing. Your hearts have poured love over our family, and so many prayers were said for our sweet baby. I could feel your strength and thank you for it, because it was a hard hard day. I know rough times are coming, and I am scared. The knowledge that you have lifted up our family keeps me confident that no matter the pain, I can handle it. Because of you. THANK YOU.”

PAXmommy Jillian & the entire PAXfamily is being loved upon, fed, and cared for during this difficult time and YOUR continued prayers, and positive thoughts are very much appreciated. <3

#JustOneMoreBabyD aka BB8

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A message from PAXmommy Jillian and PAXdaddy Aaron:

“Aaron and I had to give our little herd the most difficult news last night. Telling them that their new baby has gone to Heaven and they will not be holding a sweet new person in their arms this November was the hardest thing we’ve ever done. Baby #8 was loved completely and perfectly; we understand that this is all part of God’s plan for our family, but we will be taking some time to grieve and mourn that we will never hear our baby’s laughter or be able to comfort our baby’s tears. Please pray for us as we reconcile our hopes & dreams with our new reality.

The post BB8 & Loss appeared first on PAXbaby.

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Yesterday  kicked off National Infertility Awareness Week 2016. The theme this year is #StartAsking. As words aren’t always adequate, a simple heart will do. For each loss, you can share a blue heart, if you’re currently still walking this infertility path, a yellow heart, and for each child in your life, a red heart. Share this post with your friends and #StartAsking, raising awareness for all. Hope we may find comfort in discovering we are not alone.

BIG LOVE to all of you!!!

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