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We took a very special family picture on Friday to commemorate our Baby Blaise’s EDD 2016 <3#nothingbutlove
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*happy babywearing*
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The post A due date…. appeared first on PAXbaby.

***Please take caution when reading this heartfelt post; you may be triggered if you have been affected by pregnancy loss.
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Now that you have tried to make a baby, there’s the endless two week wait while you wrestle with the inner turmoil and emotional personal disputes not limited to “was now the right time?” “should we have waited?” “am I ready?” “are WE ready?” “what will I do if we are pregnant?” “what will I do if we’re NOT pregnant.” For me, having lost our eighth baby in May but knowing for 21 days before I started bleeding that the early birth was imminent, my current wait for my period to start is causing PTSD style flashbacks. A few months ago I was hanging onto each moment with my baby and trying not to lose my mind in grief. Here I am today, hoping for the best, but expecting nothing, and reliving each day of my loss while I carefully check my toilet paper (ok, you got me! family cloth!) for a trace of blood or ANY clue as to why I am now 2 days late without a positive on my pregnancy tests. Speaking of which, I ordered a stack of 100 cheapies from Amazon when we decided that September would be our first TRY month! I love the cheap sticks because I can pee away without worrying about the money; I limited myself to 1 a day but quickly progressed to 2. Given the fact that I am crying at the latest episode of This Is Us, craving eggs (I’m a VEGAN!), and I suddenly think that coffee tastes gross, I want to believe that I am pregnant and my HCG levels just aren’t caught up yet. But on the other hand, I have become a public crier since losing my Blaise in May, my friend Guin has been hooking us up with amazing happy eggs from her backyard chickens, and at PAXretreat I was treated to amazing cappuccino every day so ordinary coffee is kind of gross in comparison. So maybe these aren’t symptoms as much as they are just part of being me.

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The thoughts that go through my mind every time I step into the bathroom to pee on ANOTHER stick are :
You just bribed your other kids to stay downstairs with some gluten free cookies and a science based show on Netflix so that you could go in the bathroom and cry. This is a new low.

You can’t even go to the bathroom without at least one child sitting in your lap. How will you fit your belly in here too??

If you pee on your hand one more time while aiming for the pee stick….

And my personal favorite, your baby is finally sleeping through the night and 100% potty trained except the occasional accident. WHY ON EARTH would you want to start all over?

But the thoughts that go through my mind each time I pee on another stick and see that negative sticking its tongue out at me are :
You have peed on 10 sticks in the last 3 days; just wait and see.

You are the most impatient person I know.

You need to drink more water; your pee isn’t clear!

You need to calm down, and focus on the 7 little blessings waiting for you downstairs, covered with cookie crumbs and filled with new Science facts to share with you.

You need to accept with grace whatever happens this month.

Next month is another cycle, another chance for the baby that YOU KNOW you are meant to hold in your arms.

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But let me tell you, the wait is so stressful, and the associations I can give every odd event make my emotions swing wildly within minutes. I took 2 naps yesterday; I MUST be pregnant! I don’t feel like eating; I MUST NOT be pregnant! My breasts hurt; I MUST be pregnant! I have high highs and low lows like PMS; I MUST NOT be pregnant! My belly is sticking out even though I’m not eating much and exercising daily; I MUST be pregnant!

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Now add to this emotional rollercoaster the guilt that I feel for closing the story of my 8th baby, and wanting to try again for #9. Did I give her tiny life enough respect. Have I taught the kids well that though they never got to meet their baby sister, she counts as one of their siblings. Was I a good enough mom to my Blaise during our 15 weeks together.  Am I ready to share my love with someone new.  Am I ready to be pregnant again, count the weeks again, and hold my breath until we pass that 15 week mark when I gave birth last. Will my body be ready in 36ish weeks to be healthy, and my mind to be whole and focused and not remembering the pain and suffering that a year beforehand brought me to my hardest birth. Can I give a new baby the grace to not replace my Blaise, but to be another love of my life, not detracting from my previous experience, but adding a new bud to the beautiful bouquet of lives, deaths, and memories that I hold in my heart.
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Am I strong enough? Am I mom enough? Time will tell.
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The post Waiting appeared first on PAXbaby.

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I’m feeling especially grateful tonight for friends near and far who’ve held my hand, rubbed my back, and taught me how to put one foot in front of the other again!
It’s been 3 months since I was pregnant last, and not a day goes by without thinking of my Blaise but knowing that you all are thinking of my baby too makes me feel better.
Thank you <3

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*happy babywearing*

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The post Three months appeared first on PAXbaby.

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When I was miscarrying our eighth baby, breastfeeding helped my body & hormones regulate. By this point in my pregnancy, my milk was drying up quickly, but #toddlercate was happy to nurse and help her mama feel better!
#oxytocin #happybreastfeedingweek2016

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*happy babywearing*

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The post Hormones & Breastfeeding appeared first on PAXbaby.

Certainly not based on the size of a placenta, but in my case, it’s all I have left of my baby. 15 weeks in my belly, 8 weeks in heaven; my heart will never be whole again but I wouldn’t give back this time for the world.

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#paxbaby #paxmama #paxmommy #pregnancyloss #pregnancy #placentaprint #imissmybaby #bb8 #justonemorebabyd #happybutsad

The post A tiny placenta print appeared first on PAXbaby.

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*graphic birth story*
Yesterday morning I finished Blaise’s pregnancy with the intense birth of my placenta.

What I endured last Saturday in San Diego was the birthing of our baby’s sac and cord. It was deflated and withered just like the ultrasound had shown, but I had assumed that the large blood clots and small bits of tissue that came out that day as well was all the placenta we would be able to see since development stopped so many weeks earlier. May 21 will be considered to be Blaise’s birthday since her sac was born the day of May’s Blue Moon.

After the PAXplaydate on May 25, I came home in a lot of pain but chalked it up to having had too much activity. Within a few hours I realized that this pain was not just cramping but very real, very intense birthing contractions about 4 minutes apart and spiking with gushes of blood. I let the PAXmoms know I wouldn’t be able to continue working that night, and Aaron helped me out of my bed into the bathroom because I was losing so much blood. For the next 4 hours I labored; this was one of my most challenging births physically, and definitely my hardest mentally, not knowing what exactly to expect and then also understanding that at the end of all the pain, I would not have a precious baby to hold and “make it all better!” Aaron called our midwife and doula at around 2 in the morning, but we ended up having an unassisted home birth of the placenta at 2:30. It seemed as though the placenta continued to grow even when our baby hadn’t been, so it was quite sizable at 14 weeks 6 days old. Our midwife was very concerned about the amount of blood I had lost and afterwards when I was dizzy and feeling nauseous, we decided that “bedrest” through the weekend would be best. Replenishing my body with iron rich foods would help build back up my platelets, so here I am back in bed, processing my full birth experience and grieving the baby that will never be here in my arms.

A wonderful local friend is photographing our placenta and making a print to frame, then it will be buried alongside Blaise’s sac and cord under our beautiful magnolia tree. Over the last few weeks, you have all shown us so much love and support; I appreciate it more than you know. It has been extremely healing for me to be able to share Blaise’s short but powerful life with you, and hearing your lost babies’ stories has helped too! Thank you, friends; much love to each of you as I recover from being ?#?pregnantnotpregnant? <3

The post *graphic birth story* appeared first on PAXbaby.

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Our sweet family buried a tiny placenta this afternoon; Baby Blaise will be remembered by this beautiful Magnolia tree and the prayers said this afternoon by each of her family members. We have loved and will continue to love our 8th baby forever and ever and are so grateful that she has known nothing but love heart emoticon
#JustOneMoreBabyD aka BB8

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*happy babywearing*

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The post Loss. appeared first on PAXbaby.

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The first star on the right twinkled especially bright tonight, didn’t it?!? Baby Blaise’s *birthday* was today, May 21, on a full moon at 14 weeks and 2 days <3 Birthed to the sound of her siblings playing and her parents laughing with friends, it was as perfect as it could have been <3
Nothing but love for this little one <3#JustOneMoreBabyD aka BB8

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The post A different sort of birth… appeared first on PAXbaby.

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Our PAXfamily pictures this week are a beautiful tribute to the loss of our beloved eighth baby,#JustOneMoreBabyD, aka BB8 <3
Named for Saint Blaise who is usually depicted holding two long candles, our baby will be held in our hearts forever <3

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*happy babywearing*

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The post BB8 appeared first on PAXbaby.

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From PAXmommy Jillian:
“To my friends… you are amazing. Your hearts have poured love over our family, and so many prayers were said for our sweet baby. I could feel your strength and thank you for it, because it was a hard hard day. I know rough times are coming, and I am scared. The knowledge that you have lifted up our family keeps me confident that no matter the pain, I can handle it. Because of you. THANK YOU.”

PAXmommy Jillian & the entire PAXfamily is being loved upon, fed, and cared for during this difficult time and YOUR continued prayers, and positive thoughts are very much appreciated. <3

#JustOneMoreBabyD aka BB8

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The post Rainbow appeared first on PAXbaby.

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Do you think that this could be a sign???? 10 perfect peas in a pod!

In case you haven’t heard!!! PAXmommy Jillian is expecting BABY #8!

No matter how many times you have done it, early pregnancy is always full of emotion. From the moment you see those two lines, your heart begins to race, pounds in your chest. TWO. Lines. Could it be real? How many tests does it take to actually let those two little lines sink in. One, two, three??

A baby. New life. Growing. Growing. Growing.

What makes it feel real to you? Telling your partner? Telling your other kids? The PAXkids are super excited about #JustOneMoreBabyD!!!!

What will it be? Another perfect baby BROTHER??? Or a baby sister!?

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*happy babywearing*

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The post #JustOneMoreBabyD appeared first on PAXbaby.

It is with an overflowing heart and joyful song that I am writing this blog post! As each of my babies has been born and grows so quickly into a small person, I wonder, “Is this my last baby? Will this be the last time I experience the wonderment of birth, the satisfaction of bringing new life into the world, and the plethora of firsts that come along with a new soul here on earth?!?!” After #babycate was born, 28 months ago, I felt a deep sadness that I talked of frequently; I tried to assuage my depression with the thought “I can’t wait to see who you become.” And after time, I was able to focus more and more positively on that mantra. As much as I wanted to be pregnant again, to hold my own newborn in my arms again, to watch another of my own babies grow and thrive and flourish under my constant care, I understood that if Cate were truly my last, I could be content with my seven amazing children. What else could I possibly want? Last week, that question was answered. Just One More Baby.

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I have learned so much about mourning and grieving the children I currently mother every day all day. All the reasons I should not and will not again fall down that rabbit hole of sadness. This pregnancy and birth and baby may absolutely be my LAST, but I will rejoice at each milestone, at each inch grown, and at each step taken! I will not again allow myself to be tortured by the might, probably and maybes that sneak into my head. This could absolutely be the last baby I carry in my womb and birth from my own strength, but that is okay! Because I trust that everything that might and could happen, will. That everything that is supposed and predestined, will. That nothing is an accident. That there is a reason for everything. And this, Baby #8 aka #JustOneMoreBabyD, is the absolute consequence in trusting, believing, and allowing life to happen as it should.
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*happy babywearing*

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